"Mum is Anxious": The Dismissal of Parents Advocating for Their Autistic Child

As a parent of an autistic child, you may be all too familiar with the phrase, “Mum is anxious.” I saw this written about myself only last week. On the surface, it may seem like an innocuous comment, often uttered casually by professionals in the field. However, this seemingly benign phrase carries with it a significant weight. It doesn’t just invalidate a parent’s concerns; it dismisses them outright, delaying the vital support that her child needs to thrive. 'Mum' also has a name, and the loss of this personal identity only increases her sense of irrelevance and dismissal.

The Reality Behind the Label

Raising an autistic child is a fraught, often exhausting journey filled with medical appointments, EHCPs, therapies, and ongoing advocacy. Parents frequently notice their child’s unique traits before any official diagnosis is made. They see the sensory sensitivities, their struggles with friendships, difficulty with managing transitions and change, and the daily challenges their child faces. Yet, when they voice these concerns, they’re often met with disbelief: “Oh, we don’t see that here.” Rather than being heard, their concerns are brushed aside. Parents are told that they’re overreacting, placated with empty phrases like “They’ll grow out of it” or “All children develop at different rates.” And when parents continue to advocate—fighting for assessments, accommodations, and basic understanding—they risk being labelled as overly anxious or difficult.

Of course 'mum' is feeling anxious. Her child is highly distressed, whether masking this or not. She feels judged and stigmatised, and fearful of the future for her child. In some cases, she may even find herself accused of exaggerating her child’s difficulties for personal gain, or to cover her own inadequacies and failings as a parent. She may fear this being used as a smoke screen to cover the inconvenient fact that her child is struggling.

The Harm of Dismissal

The consequences of this dismissal are far-reaching, and most critically, delay interventions that could significantly benefit their child. Early support—whether in the form of speech and language therapy, sensory support, or an appropriate and supportive school placement —can be life-changing. But when a parent’s valid concerns are brushed off, these opportunities slip away, and their child is left to struggle. Over time, their child may be unfairly labelled as a "school refuser," a "misfit," or a "loner," labels that impact not only the child but also the parent. These labels perpetuate an ongoing cycle of misunderstanding, where the child is not supported as they should be, and the parent feels increasingly isolated and stigmatised in their drive to advocate when no-one else seems to care. Moreover, the "Mum is anxious" narrative contributes to something even more insidious: parental burnout. Being constantly forced to prove your observations, battle for essential services, and justify your child’s needs is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. Parents should be seen as partners in their child's journey—not adversaries forced to fight to be heard and taken seriously.

The Gendered Dimension

This issue is not only a matter of parental advocacy; it is also deeply gendered. While fathers undoubtedly may face some level of dismissal, mothers are disproportionately labelled as “anxious,” “overprotective,” or “emotional.” These stereotypes are rooted in outdated assumptions that women are overly concerned about their children’s well-being, instead of being seen as rational advocates pushing for their child’s right to the proper support and resources. These gendered stereotypes only compound the challenges that mothers face when advocating for their children.

Changing the Narrative

A parent’s persistent advocacy is not a sign of anxiety but of love and dedication to their child’s well-being. Rather than dismissing concerns, professionals, teachers, and even family members should work cooperatively with parents. When a parent expresses a concern, it should be met with understanding and a willingness to listen and explore solutions. The parents are the experts. Dismissing these concerns only harms the child, delays necessary interventions, and perpetuates the frustration and burnout that many parents experience. Ultimately, every child deserves the right to appropriate support. And every parent deserves to be seen, heard, and respected as they fight for the best possible future for their child. It’s time to change the narrative and start truly listening to parents’ voices, no matter what they may say, or how inconvenient it might be to hear.